Tuesday, May 5, 2015

Outwardly brave, inwardly broken

She is aware that you can exit her life as easily as you can enter it.The most terrifying part of allowing someone into your ferociously protected inner world is that once a person chooses to enter, he or she can also turn around and exit at any given time and at that point, it is something we have no control over. The tough girl  knows this from personal experience. It doesn't matter who leaves or what has caused them to leave, it always hurt. The feeling of losing someone always hurt. It sometimes wanna make you feel like you never wanna let anyone in anymore. It's like its pointless and not worth the risk. She knows that your words could cut her. She tries not to have any hopes when it comes to you but she can't. Though she is so seemingly fierce and unbreakable something as vapid as a mere word could actually scar her steel skin. The thing about this outwardly brave and inwardly fragile and broken girl is that once she grants you permission to enter her life and make a difference, she plans to keep you in that guarded life of hers forever.that is why she is so specific to whom she allows in. 

Tuesday, April 28, 2015

How it feels like to suddenly lose your other half.

When you’re in love, it consumes you. It’s all you think about.
Even when you aren’t thinking about it, you’re still thinking about it.
Matters of the heart are a strange byproduct of the human condition. Love saturates your heart, feeds it something it never knew it needed but now is desperate to be quenched by it.
When your lover isn’t near, you want him or her. You long for your partner’s touch, even when his or her hand has just left your cheek.
You are addicted to your partner’s scent. You find yourself in the happiest, most exquisitely peaceful state when you lie in your partner’s bed and can smell him or her on the sheets.
You’re so happy you found someone. You finally found someone you can see yourself with forever.
Finally, the universe threw you a bone.
Every day is a beautiful adventure. The thought of it ending feels like knives…

Losing your lover begins slowly.

Everything was perfect one day, and like a shift in the seasons, suddenly a crispy chill wisps through your life, signaling a coming change.
You wake up one morning and can just sense something is different. It’s a look in his or her eyes, sudden diminished warmth, a sudden distance. There is a kind of fog between the two of you that wasn’t there before.
Suddenly, the way he or she looks at you is different, and it makes you uneasy.
You ignore it. You push it off. You tell yourself this is nothing. It’s all in your head.

It’s an echo in your heart.

There’s hollowness in everything you do. You feel like an actor in your own life, and you’re the understudy who was never supposed to play the lead.
You are constantly on the edge of tears. You crave his or her love so emphatically it hurts. You feel the desperation hot and sticky on your skin. It feels like shame to need love so badly.
The loss is like an echo in your heart, a growing chasm that shows no sign of stopping.
The walls crumble away like mountain terrain before an impending avalanche.
It’s a slow process, moving in increments from day to day, the wound growing deeper and deeper, each moment more infected and festering than the last.

Your partner is disappearing.

You can feel him or her fading. It’s just a palpable loss. He or she just doesn’t seem interested in you anymore.
Gone are the small declarations of affection, the sweet unexpected kisses on street corners and shy reaches for your hand. Gone are the looks of tender, childlike wonder you once delighted in so fully.
So, you try to love enough for both of you. You show him or her affection twice as much; you kiss your partner as often as you can, hold him or her as much as you can.
You try to breathe your love into your partner, hoping if it can somehow reach him or her, it will warm his or her heart, and he or she will come back to you. 

And suddenly you realised that those were all pointless because everything is slowly fading. As it fades before you expect it to fade, you know that deep down in you, all you want to do is just save the relationship and most importantly safe both the hearts that dwelled into it in the first place. 

Sunday, February 1, 2015

The almost girl

I am the almost girl. The girl who is almost good enough to commit to; the girl who is almost good enough to introduce to his friends; the one who is almost worth seeing sober, instead of insecure and obliterated. I am the girl who was almost good enough to love. I am the girl who has “almost relationships,” more than I care to count and when i do get into a real relationship, it somehow would just fail

I am 2e years old and have been with guys that I can put a number to, where we talk a lot, hang out, but never actually settle our feelings and put a label on it. Yes, we were exclusive and, yes we cared about each other, whether we defined the relationship or not, but either one or neither of us was ready to totally commit to the other and actually be a couple. The kind of couple that goes on dates in public and he pays; the kind where just being together gets you 50 shades of nervous and worked up in the best way.

I am sitting here at 23 years old, convinced that I am only the almost girl. Yet, I am sitting here at 23 with an absolutely wonderful boy doting on me and courting me in a way I have always wanted someone to, wanting to break my streak of “almosts,” yet I am constantly finding myself thinking of reasons why I don’t want to be with him. No, not reasons, excuses. He is perfect and everything I thought I wanted in a man, but now that I have it, I am scared. I am scared that someone actually wants me for what I have to offer on an intellectual, physical, emotional and every other “al” level there is, not just one who wants me in a way that benefits just them.

I can’t wrap my brain around why someone would actually want to be with me, because that is what four years of “dating” college guys have taught me: I’m good enough to hang out with, but not good enough to wake up to in the morning. I’m good enough to see when they’re bored, but not good enough to take out to dinner and have an actual interest in my life.

In real life, I am so confident in who I am and willing to take risks that usually wind up only doing me good in the end. But when it comes to love, I always have such a guarded heart, because I’ve learned the hard way that the kind of pain without open wounds or broken bones hurts the most and leaves the biggest scars. The almost relationships.

I am the almost girl.

Since I am the almost girl, I have trouble sorting out if I really don’t want him or if I’m just scared of going out of my comfort zone. Because I have never been enough for somebody. I have always wanted to feel wanted; and here I am, truly, genuinely, wanted. But here I am, pushing him away for wanting me; for wanting to make me happy; for wanting to be the one I wake up to in the morning. Maybe I am just scared, or maybe I really really do like him. Whatever the case, I learned something: maybe I won’t always be the almost girl after all.

inspired by:thoughtcatalog

Saturday, January 24, 2015

To you.

This is a simple not so simple thank you. This is just me giving love through what I am good at. This year has just started and this month is about to end and  all I can think of is my suppressed past, the now I prayed for and the future that I’m working and wishing for. This entry goes to my Domino's buddy, movies buddy, my football buddy, my coffee buddy, my food buddy and at one point the best buddy. This piece is for you and this post is an indirect thank you note to you.

So, here it is. He WAS my past and my past is one person I used to love. I loved dearly and once had a soft space in my broken heart for. Even now,  I’m quite shivery writing about him. This person tested my every capability, my every potential of loving, waiting and being patient. There is not much to be discussed or to be mentioned about this person but I do want to say thanks to him. I figured I have to reveal something someday, guess that’s now. Escaping situations and dodging questions about this past relationship just shows I have not fully moved on and that’s ending here. Now, that everything is calm and I’m where I belong, it’s just the time. With this once upon a time of mine, I realised so many truths when it comes to love. Things that have made me a more mature person when it comes to relationships

    1. Loving someone means accepting them for who they are so take the time to get to know who you want to love. It doesn’t matter how long do you take, just make sure you know much not to ask friends or family anymore for more.
    2.  Pray for what it’s worth. It doesn’t matter what your religion is, talk to your creator, He knows your heart better than anyone else, He made it.
      3. Let things go. Never force love or anything in life. If it's meant for you, it will always be yours.

     4. Know when to give in and compromise. When too much is done and given, it sometimes goes unappreciated. 

If I continued enumerating, it would be boring to read through. What has happened could never be undone, life doesn’t have an ‘undo’ button to remove a wrong move, more like a touch move. Though, there is such a thing called forgiveness. It doesn’t actually make you forget things which I have read a hundred times but finally absorbed it through my own experience. Forgiveness makes it a little lighter though. Little is good, little by little at least is how I’ve made it. Doesn’t matter anymore how many sleepless nights, how many tears you’ve shed out of self-pity from looking like a public clown, how many shots you’ve raised with a hope you’ll forget the next morning, it won’t matter anymore. Everything won’t matter including the sacrifices and emotional investments you’ve put.

At the end of the day, it’s okay to let that go to waste rather than you looking like a waste. So to you, thank you for showing me how to love in the most difficult manner I could ever imagine.  I guess it ended because it was just suppose to. Hope you're holding up well with that new life of yours. :)

Friday, January 23, 2015

Once a stranger, then a lecturer and now, my Mama :)

 I know that you might not even read this because you have no idea what my blog link is. I am actually writing this entry for you because I miss you so much that it actually hurts. We started off as strangers. You were that one lecturer that I was always afraid of because you were always so professional and stern and the fact that you have such great accent and poise when you speak makes it harder for me to approach you in the beginning. But then again, things change. I will always remember the night I broke down and ran away to your house for a night. I will never forget how concern you were that night when I broke down and cried. It was that night that me realise how much you actually mean to me and each time I look back on the days I spent in college, I always wished I had more memories with you. The bond we shared is something I can never ever describe or put in words. And at this point, I just know that you're so much like a mother to me and I will always and forever be indebted to you for all the things you have done for me. The money, time and energy spent for me. You're one of those people in this world that I would really give my all to. Written below are the things that you have taught me in life. I love you Ma. Thanks for being the best "mama" any child can get. :')
  1. Nothing that’s handed to you in a silver platter is worth having. And nothing worth having will be handed to you. Fight for what you want.
  2. If you have to fight, hit first. And hit hard.
  3. There is no such thing as having too much fun.
  4. You were lovely long before he loved you. You will be lovely after that, too..
  5. There is nothing that an Angelina Jolie movie can’t fix.
  6. When people act like they don’t care about you, believe them.
  7. A relationship can only end two ways: You will either break up with that person or end up marrying them. Don’t waste your time with someone unless you can accept both outcomes.
  8. There’s a fine line between being fun and being obnoxious. Make sure you’re not on the wrong side of it.
  9. Mondays are fine. Maybe it’s your routine that sucks.
  10. If it’s your routine that sucks, change it.
  11. There is a big difference between listening and being quiet while waiting for your turn to talk. Listen to what others have to say. Listen whole-heartedly and carefully.
  12. Fall in love. Fall in love with songs, with books, with places, and fall in love with people. But above all, fall in love with yourself.
  13. Running away from your feelings is a race you will never win.
  14. Think extensively before making crucial decisions. Make sure that when you close a door, you’re perfectly content with shutting it.
  15. Make him chase you.
  16. Be worth the chase.
  17. When a relationship is over, walk away. You will not gain anything from watering a dead flower.
  18. Slow down. Life is passing you by. Make the most out of every moment.
  19. Good people do bad things.
  20. Bad people do good things.
  21. Not receiving any message is also a message.
  22. Your friends will give you all sorts of advice. Listen to them, take their point of view into consideration. And then do whatever you want. Because your friends are great, but you need to make your own mistakes every now and then.
  23. Make mistakes. Lots and lots of them. But learn from every single one. And never make the same mistake twice.
  24. Do not let anyone else dictate your happiness.
  25. If something doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t. Listen to your gut instincts.
  26. When someone does something wrong, don’t forget everything they did right.
  27. Travel as often as you can. Visit places you’ve always dreamed of going to, but don’t neglect the places you’ve never heard of. Go to that country in Africa whose name you can’t pronounce.
  28. Be kind to others.
  29. Be kind to yourself.
  30. Confidence is key.
  31. Just because you can doesn’t mean you should.
  32. People can only stab you in the back if you hand them the knife. Don’t trust everyone around you. But when you find someone worth trusting, trust them with your life.
  33. Always do the right thing. And when you can’t, convince yourself that what you did was the right thing.
  34. Be able to take blame when you do something wrong.
  35. Don’t always ask for credit when you do something right.
  36. Don’t rush into a relationship because you don’t like being single. You’re better off alone than with someone you don’t truly love.
  37. Actions speak louder than words.
  38. Don’t speak too fast. Every word you’ve ever said has led to where you are this very moment. Choose your words prudently.
  39. Cherish every moment, for every second spent is a second you will never get back.
  40. Live life to the fullest. No one will hate you for living life too fully.
  41. Don’t you ever wish you were dead.
  42. Never forget where home is.
  43. Don’t be the girl he cheats with.
  44. Don’t be the girl he cheats on.
  45. You’re never too old to need your mom.
  46. If he doesn’t accept you for who you are, walk away.
  47. If he makes you cry, walk away.
  48. Sometimes walking away is the hardest decision you’ll have to make.
  49. You are strong enough to make that decision.
  50. College is the greatest time of your life. Make the most out of it. :)
Inspired by : thoughtcatalog.com


"Have you ever really thought about it? You’ve got this girl, head over heels in love with you. She’d do anything for you, she’d die for you. But for some reason, you don’t want to see that. You know it’s there, and you know that you feel the same way. But you refuse to let it be. Maybe you’re scared. Maybe you’re scared of the thought that this girl who you’ve known forever - you’ve seen her happy, you’ve seen sad — maybe this girl is perfect for you. And that really scares you, doesn’t it? "

Thursday, January 22, 2015

Because Im that girl and tonight is that night.

Im that girl that believes in karma. Im that girl that is hopeful for a better day each night before I head to bed. Im that girl that wont give up on you. That girl that spends her days thinking that she is unlike the rest and hoping that it's true. The girl that spent her days smiling and loathe the day but love the night because it's the nights that could help her feel better. That girl who spent her nights crying under her comfy pillow wishing and wanting for things to get better. I'm that girl who has the desire to love and be loved in return. Im that girl who looks tough and strong but breaks down every little time and picks herself up on her own each time she falls. I'm that girl who was left undone. Im that girl who couls never sort things out and tonight, im that girl who was helplessly disappointed with herself. I guess that's it. Goodnight bitter sweet hearts. ❤

Wednesday, January 7, 2015

To the guy who walked away.

This is prolly the last post in my blog that will be about you. I know it has been hard for the both of us. I know the ending was much more absurd that it should have been. But I guess at the end of the day, it was for the best. I know we used to share words of love and exchanged them altogether but at this point, i just realised how i actually hated certain things that took place in the course of us being together. It is undoubtedly true that you have held me at my lowest points of my life and have been there at times I needed you. At the same time, you gave up. You gave up on the relationship we tried to build. You gave up on us, and you gave up on me. And when that happened, I stopped believing. At this point, I don't know if I could ever love someone as much as I loved you or if i could do as much as I did for you. Well, I guess time would tell. It's good to know that you are slowly doing well without me. I guess all these are gonna take time before we are both completely okay again. As i type this out tonight, I realised that I'm lost at words. I don't even know how to describe how I'm feeling or how you're doing without me right now. All I can say is that I'm sorry this did not work out the way it should have worked out. I guess there is something greater out there that awaits the both of us. The last few lines below are the words I have always wanted to tell you but never could. And yes, there is a lot of hate there but believe me, I could never grow to hate you. You helped me grow through you, through the experiences and memories we shared and with that I thank you. Thank you A.Z. :')

I hate you for giving up on me.
I hate you for giving up on us.
I hate you for hurting me.
I hate you for making me cry. 
I hate you for leaving me. 
I hate you for not being there when I needed you the most.
I hate you for what you’ve done. 
I hate you for ruining everything we had. 
I hate you for making me trust you when you were just gonna break that trust.
I hate you for making me love you so much. 
Mostly, I hate you for making me a fool because there is still a soft spot in my heart for you despite everything you put me through.

I know someday you are gonna read this, and I hope when you do, you are in your best condition. Thanks for the amazing years we shared. Till I see you next. 
338km away, and I wish you well. 
Goodnight to the guy who once had my heart. 

Fesyen Terkini Online

The biggest problem for a girl like me who hates the crowd is actually shopping. Even when I need to get things around, I always find it a hassle to drive to the mall just to pick out a perfect dress for dinner or a date. Through time, life for an ironic girl like me is made easier because of the existence of online shops and online shopping which is only a click and seconds away. Yes, I know of the existence and I know of the different websites where I can actually get great deals. But the biggest question when it comes to online shopping is LATEST TRENDS. Where can I actually get clothes, shoes or anything that is in trend ? Life was again made easier for me when I was introduced to ZALORA. Name it, and they have it. I believe that the entry below would help you readers out there in learning to love how awesome ZALORA is when it comes to the latest fashion trends. Even when you're bogged down with way too many things in life, to keep up with the latest trends is actually just a click away. Scroll down and carry on reading :)

The fashion industry is always fast changing their trends from one thing to another bit not many can withstand the test of time. However, there are a few timeless fashion pieces that women will never look out of place or be frowned upon. There are 3 fashion items that women can rock and worth the investment to add into their closet at home. The first fashion item is the common footwear every women wears for an extra boost of confidence. High heels! Whether a stiletto heel or kitten heels, high heels can never grow apart from women as designers are always providing the best designs of high heels for their target market flaunt. Women can pick out the high heels design which represents their style and show it off to various places looking great. 

The next fashion items that can never go out of trend are midi skirts. Midi skirts have been a woman’s favourite clothing since the old times and can be matched with a lot of different tops. Women can be creative in pairing the midi skirts with a blouse, tank tops, sleeveless top or even a t-shirt. This style can never disappear with time as midi skirts has that certain elegant element that any woman will love.

The third fashion trend that women can pull off in any age and generation are the menswear inspired clothing. We often hear the term ‘boyfriend t-shirt’ which may be one of the first men inspired apparel for women but there are other clothing which are inspired from the men’s fashion trends such as the full suit look, a tie printed pants and a tux jacket. Women can flaunt this menswear trend appearance to work or even a night out with some feminine touches. Accessorize the menswear outfit with some jewellery or high heels and step out feeling empowered all day. Interested customers who want to always look in style at all age, check out ZALORA latest trends online and look fashionable anywhere anytime.