Proud. Insecure. Weak.

All my life,  the only thing ever wanted was to make someone proud of me. All my life, I have never ever felt how it's life for someone to be proud of me. And all my life, I felt like I have failed to make anyone proud of me. Not my parents,  family , not him and perhaps not even my friends. I often wished that one day, I would find someone who will always be proud of me and be proud to have me in their life, and today the one that I really thought was proud of me all this while turns out to be embarrassed to have me in his life. 

All these feelings are simply because I have never really felt if I have achieved anything in life that can make anyone proud of me. Yes, I have made decisions in the past and my past was bad, terrible and ugly actually but I moved on and I learnt. I learnt to let go of all the negative energy that might ruin me in the future. I let go of  every single thing I encounter that may harm me or my loved ones. I try hard everyday to make someone proud. I write and brings it to a another level simply because I wished it could be an avenue for someone to be proud of me. To be sincerely proud of me.  But the truth is that, no one ever is. 

Today, at this very moment writing this, tears roll down my cheeks and I wish it wouldn't. I wish I didn't have to cry over all these mess. I wish I was good enough for someone to be proud of.  And at this point, I feel so numb that I can't even put my feelings into words that would fit. I wish I could.

Dear God, I know you're listening and I hope that you grant me the courage to be strong enough to go through the remaining days of my life. I thank you for all the challenges that you have given upon me and I am thankful. At this point, I pray that you will always guide me through easy and difficult times and show me that there are reasons behind everything that happened. ;')

NP: Iris by Goo Goo Dolls. 

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