Because it is of tears and hope




            All I ever wanted you to do was feel what I feel and get treated the way I get treated. I want you to exhale the air in the sky like I exhale it. But all you ever did was feeling different. All you did was wash your hands with the air. All I ever did was feel the feeling of really loving someone to the extent that it suffocates me. It makes me forget how air even feels like and I sometimes forget about myself. To be true to you, there is nothing wrong with me feeling this way. Nothing is wrong. What is wrong is the way you and I perceive it. What happen to the promise u made me to always be there no matter how I feel? Because at the stage that I’m standing now, the only accompany I have is the shadow of myself. Each time I tell you how I really feel, you tell me you understand and maybe deep down in you, you really don’t.

            Each time I look at you and each time our eyes meet, the love I feel measures up to the air that moves around me. But sometimes I wonder, if it really is, can you at least teach me how to dig into the palm of my hands and remind me how close you and I used to be? What happened to the guy who made me feel so secure without even trying hard to do so? What happen to my ultimate movie partner? What happen to the guy I once knew. Yes, I get the point that people change but when you change and left me at my worst, it’s more than just tearing me apart, and it’s more than instant suicide. It is losing faith and hope. The two elements that have been keeping me strong all this while.

             I try so hard each day to not text or call you to see if you would. Each day, I try so hard to be at my best because I know of all the girls and people out there who are much better. Each day, I try to feel secure about myself but I can’t. Each day, I’d swallow my pride and put all the effort I could give. Each and every single day, I try really hard and I don’t know if you’d notice. The loud me that you see each day has her very own dark side. I’m afraid of my own shadow because I know that I will never be good enough for anyone, especially you. I’m afraid to express how I really feel because I’m afraid of being laughed at. I’m afraid of happy moments because I know it won’t last. I’m afraid of sadness because I despise tears. I’m afraid. I’m insecure. I’m unsure of everything that revolves around me. And the biggest thing I’m afraid of is the fact that I’m deprived of the future you and I will never ever have.  

Comments

6 Gemilang said…
i dont like to see u like this :(
August 1, 2012 at 4:40 PM
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