Saturday, June 1, 2013

We will always be a perfect imperfection.

We will always be a perfect imperfection.

            She was never the girl who had it all but there was one thing about her which evokes her senses to actually come alive. She was a genius. Well you see there was always that weird moment when she would miss him and she’ll start asking herself if he would feel the same way too. It was like she fails to decide on what she should do and how she should feel. She felt as though she was like the spectrum that allows the sky to change its’ colour. The most difficult time for her to choose the colour of the spectrum was definitely when she misses him. She was always afraid and would often wonder if he wanted to see her as much as she does.  She was afraid to make a move. She was afraid that she’d be disappointed over the outcome of the colour of the spectrum. She knew that she was in love with someone which she knows would leave her hanging even to the day that she’s buried six feet underground. She knew the very reasons why they could never ever pull it through in the existence of happy ending.

             The spectrum is not the only thing she fears. She was often afraid that one day when she wakes up, he’d realise that she was not as great as he thought she once were. It was her ultimate fear. She discerns that as much and no matter how hard she tries, he’d never make her his Juliet. She was also afraid of the reasons why she actually continue holding on to him. The reassurance that he gives her are the reasons why she actually held on to him. The smiles he carved on his great pretty boy looks made her hold on to every tear. The smirk he shapes on his face when he teases her makes her go through sleepless night thinking about the astounding smirks that he has. Forget the reassurance, the smiles and the smirks because the guy does not even bother to turn his head back twice to look at her.

            She held everything to herself. She tried to hold on to the pain she felt when he acts like he does not care. It seemed easy for her to fake those smiles to her friends because she knew it would be harder to explain the situation. She knew that no one would listen to her petty low life dramas. She felt like she was damaged at best and it felt so hard to breathe when every single words he utters cut her like razor blades. There are endless list of words and things that he had said and sometimes she feels like she is barely holding on but instead merely letting go. Each day that she holds on, she knew that it was bringing her nothing but fake reassurances that would not last and incessant supply of more heart aching moments. What contradicts her situation most is that there are also moments when she feels like risking it all and ignore everything that is at stake and just hold on even stronger than she has ever been. The confusion in her never seems to get any clearer despite the fact that so many things has happen in the road of pulling off this mega love drama she has. She believed in even the most irrational things in which she believes that he was the reason she was still alive, he was the purpose of actually living and even believing that life would be way to miserable if he wasn’t around. It was as if he gave her the air to breathe, the faith in life and the happiness for her to be contented. She had so many uncertainties in her beliefs that it resulted to disappointments. Never in her wildest dream has she ever imagined falling in love with someone who is the total opposite of her. Well she has always believed that love is the closest thing to miracles and magic and it happens when you least expect it. She recognised and judge love as being something really sweet but is not necessarily chocolate coated at all time. She knew of love that gets her going when her world falls apart.  She knew that the line between love and hate isn’t as distinct as what most people think. She knew the power that love brings and its consequences. She knew that love would allow her to move on with life and uncertainties even without the presence of her loved ones. And most of all she knew that love takes a lot of effort. She knew that even if she had hundreds of reasons to leave this perfect dream guy of hers, she would always seek just one reason for her to stay. She knew that the not-so-perfect love life would deal with a lot of hypocrisy.

             The fact hypocrisy is necessary and she knows that it is necessary that everyone knows that too. Everyone is a hypocrite. Even she is. She was a hypocrite to everyone when it comes to her feelings. She was a frequent source of hypocrisy and she sees it as apart of strength when her heart’s torn apart. She knew that being honest and true to herself and people around her all the time is tiring. And she’s just so sick and tired of being real. She’d put on a mask and make the people around her happy. That’s simply because when they're happy, they get off her backs and her downfall of emotions.  She just wished that people would forgive her for being a hypocrite to others. Put yourself in her shoes. Maybe you’d know how sickening it ois when people ask unnecessary questions right up your face or shove sarcastic criticism just to make you sick or even tell you nasty shits about the one you love. B   eing hypocrite is great necessity to her and she is definitely not to be blamed. She thought she knew everything, but she clearly didn’t. She didn’t know that love needs patience and perseverance and she wasn’t aware that love is something that happens for you and not happens to you. Though most of the time her journey of attaining a happy ending fails and gets rough, she knew that she just had to be patient because even if everything else around her fails, she knew that she had God to lead her back to the path with better endings.

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