It's 4am on a Thursday morning, and she should be asleep under her covers, not awake and typing this out. She just can't seem to fall asleep. Maybe it's insomnia, or maybe it's just how she likes to live. Thoughts are swirling around her mind in a jumble that she can't seem to understand, and at this peaceful moment, where she’s almost alone in her room, with just her music and no disturbances, it seems okay. She guesses it’s okay because right now, she can just think of those thoughts one by one. Even though she doesn't know the answers to some of the questions, even though she doesn't understand why these thoughts plague her in the first place, it's okay. She is okay, with herself. In fact, maybe she is great with herself. She wants to feel great. She doesn’t want to live in a cosset thinking that life is not worth living.
But then, the world is full of pretentious people and pretending. So, what if she plays pretend too? Pretend that everything is okay even it hurts so badly. Pretend that everything is fine but actually it's not. Pretend that we have nothing to worry about even if we have one hundred million things to worry about. all we have to do is enjoy our lives while we can. But don't forget our responsibility towards others, other things. Our moments and our memories. And life would be easier. But the problem is, life doesn't work that way. People judge, people tell lies, people hate to see others happy, people are full with negative thoughts, people make mistakes, people talk bad about others, people make promises then they break them, people apologize but sometimes they never mean it, some people can't just shut their mouth, people always get tired with one and another, etc. and why is that so? Because we are only humans. We need each other because no one's meant to be alone. How many times do we forgive someone just because we don't want to lose them? Isn't it sad when you get hurt so much and you end up saying "It’s okay, I'm used to it". The thing is she doesn't need other things when all she really needs is time to breathe. She needs him to be where he once was.
She has always felt that pinched twist on her chest when she sees him being all friendly to the other girls around her and she felt as though she was being replaced. She doesn’t want to have such feelings and she tries so hard to stop feeling that way but it is far too hard. Let’s just say she’s hurt. But then again, despite the hurt, if he is happy, she knew she should be too. She is just trying to be positive with everything that has been going on around her lately. May it be the words that are killing her or those sleepless nights, she will try to be strong. She used to believe that they would be the first page of a perfect fairy tale but now, she is having doubts. Not because he is not perfect enough, but merely because there is no such thing as fairy tales in life. Everything in life is real and not every relationship will end up happy and sometimes the one you want most is the one that you will never get. She knows it and she knows it is something she can’t comprehend.
All this while she has seen people around her and even herself going through the same situation. A situation which test pretty much every muscle in her body. A situation where you end up liking or loving someone who does not feel the same way towards you. Well, loving someone that doesn't love you is like reaching for the stars. You know you'll never reach it but you're still trying because you know that there is at least an ounce of hope left in you. She has been there, done that and in fact still going through it.
For the past few days, she realised that all she ever wanted is for that special someone to be happy. She may not be part of the happiness, but she knows that seeing those smiles and smirks on his face would be worth it. To whoever that may be going through a whole lot depression over life, just remember that this is just something that is temporary. People are going to judge. People are going to make nasty remarks. And people are definitely going to try killing you with their words. They will always tell you to move on but hold on if you want to because it is simply your life, not theirs.
She has learnt so much through those sleepless nights and she knows that no one would ever break her. Not with their words, nor with their actions. She is certain that despite all the lost hopes and dreams, things will change. She will one day be happy. She will one day have someone to love her as much as she loves him. She will one day have her dreams coming true and at that point, all the waiting and crying would be worth it. She knows that he is worth the wait and she is too.